It can be difficult to know when - or how - to raise concerns about someone's wellbeing. You may have noticed changes in their home, health, memory, mood, personal care or eating habits, and be unsure whether it is your place to step in.
The first thing to remember is that people have the right to make their own choices, even when others may not agree with them. Some people are happy to live in a way that others might see as unsafe, or below the standard they once had. For them, the trade-offs may feel worthwhile if it enables them to stay independent and remain in their own home.
If a person is able to make their own decisions, they can choose how they want to live. It is important not to make quick judgements about someone else's living conditions or lifestyle.
However, there are times when it may be clear that a person is not coping well, or that their health or safety may be at risk.
Talking about these concerns can be emotional for everyone involved. Some people may be fearful about becoming dependent on others, and may become angry or defensive. They may worry that the conversation will lead to them losing control, being forced to accept help, or having to move into care.
They may also blame themselves for the situation, or feel that others are judging them. In some situations, such as when a person is living with dementia, they may not be able to fully recognise or understand the risks around them.
Approaching the conversation with kindness and respect can make a big difference.
Tips for talking things through
Choose a time when you are both calm and not rushed. A difficult conversation is unlikely to go well if either of you are tired or distracted.
Before you talk, consider whether other whānau or family members share your concerns. If they do, think carefully about who should be involved and when. It may be better to have a series of smaller conversations rather than one big family meeting, avoiding the sense of 'ganging up' - no one likes to be in that position.
When you begin the conversation, encourage the person to talk about how they are feeling. They may have fears they have not shared, such as worrying that accepting help will mean "going into care". Listen carefully, and try not to minimise what they say.
It can help to:
- explain what you have noticed and why you are concerned
- ask what they think would help
- talk through options together
- focus on practical solutions
- be honest about what you can and cannot do to assist them
- give them time to think
- involve them in decisions as much as possible
Try to put yourself in their position. Many people find it hard to accept that they need more help, especially if they have always been independent.
When you are still worried
Sometimes, despite your best efforts, the conversation does not lead to change. You may still feel concerned, or like you are responsible, especially if you are the main caregiver or support person.
If this happens, tell the person that you would like more information and an independent opinion. For example, you could contact the person's GP, your local Needs Assessment and Service Coordination department, or another appropriate health professional. You can explain that you are worried and would like guidance or an independent opinion.
Remember - you are not necessarily making decisions on the older person's behalf. You are seeking support and information because you are concerned and may need help yourself.
Support for carers
Carers New Zealand is a national charitable trust that provides information and support for carers of all ages. Their website has a wide range of practical resources for people supporting family, whānau or friends.
Updated: 2 Jul 2026