The short answer is: not necessarily. The reality is we are all sexual beings, and many people wish to continue an active sex life into their older age. It may be that you currently have a partner and you are facing separation due to the need for residential care, perhaps your partner is with you in care, or you could be contemplating a new intimate relationship with another resident. Whatever your situation, enjoying an active sexual life in a residential care setting can be somewhat of a challenge.
The majority of the obstacles sadly stem from other people's misconceptions, prejudices, disapproval and lack of knowledge. Add that to the practical realities of living in a shared space, and it's easy to see why intimacy can become complicated.
Many residents are aware that their sexual behaviour, needs and values may be very different to others, such as other residents, staff or family members. This awareness often influences their decision making, which can be quite limiting and even stifling.
Other people
In residential care, you live in close proximity to others, and the human dynamics will impact you much more than they would have in the wider community. You may have to contend with:
- staff who lack knowledge on how to support resident relationships
- family members who may have strong opinions
- misunderstandings related to dementia or cognitive changes.
Many people find it difficult to talk about the sexuality of older people. Some may be surprised or disapproving - perhaps you even remember feeling that way yourself. Occasionally a staff member may unintentionally discourage a relationship simply because they don't know how to manage the situation. Poor handling of these moments can be disheartening for residents.
Older people like to be 'fancied' too. As one study notes: "When allowed to engage in relationships with others, these positive experiences enable(d) them to feel joyful, special, loved and attractive again." (Promoting awareness of sexuality of older people in residential care, Low et al.)
Care homes are increasingly aware of residents' rights to intimacy - it's actually a core component of staff training. While staff are taught to be mindful of their own values, culture and customs, the reality is that some people struggle not to impose these on residents.
It goes without saying that staff/resident relationships are not permitted. A professional distance should be maintained at all times between staff and residents.
If you want to engage the services of a sex worker, you have the right to do so. You need to be aware of others differing opinions about this subject so keeping this arrangement private is wise. If you need assistance procuring these services speak to someone who you know will treat this in a professional, confidential way.
Family reactions
Many families are comfortable with their parents or relatives maintaining intimacy with a long-term partner in care. But a new relationship can sometimes be confronting. Adult children may feel:
- protective
- uncomfortable
- worried about finances or inheritance
- uncertain about their parent's emotional vulnerability
Even when a resident is fully capable of making their own decisions, families sometimes believe they should have a say. However, over time - especially if their parent is single - most families are generally supportive and pleased. They find it comforting that there is someone else nearby who is important in their parent's life.
Dementia and intimacy
Dementia introduces its own complexities when it comes to sexuality. It's not uncommon for residents with dementia to form relationships. If a resident with dementia is already in a long-term relationship, a new pairing can be upsetting for their original partner. Common reasons for new attachments include:
- mistaken identity
- seeking physical closeness
- expressing emotional or sexual needs
Staff should be understanding about this situation, and in many instances will have the skill to be able to work this through with the individuals or family concerned. You can also contact Alzheimers New Zealand or Dementia NZ, both are excellent sources for support and somewhere you can safely debrief.
Privacy
It's not always easy to ensure the degree of privacy that you might wish for in a residential care facility. You probably require assistance by staff for your activities of daily living and this means that by necessity, they will come and go from your room frequently. They also need to have easy access to your room in the event of an accident, emergency etc.
There are a number of things that can be done to increase the sense of privacy. Staff know that they should knock and wait to be invited into your room before entering. Ask them to do this as nicely but firmly as possible. Tell them you need your quiet and uninterrupted time. Senior staff can help by reinforcing this and talking quietly with their colleagues. A 'Please do not disturb' sign on the door is another possibility. Put this up whenever you want a quiet time. Everyone therefore gets used to the idea that you want uninterrupted time for a variety of reasons. Discuss other options with senior staff.
Occasionally other residents may inadvertently come into your room. If there are residents who bother you in this way talk to management about possible solutions.
Double beds
While a double bed isn't essential for the enjoyment of intimacy, for some couples it is quite important. Occasionally facilities can accommodate the request to bring in a double bed. The room needs to be big enough to provide sufficient free space around the bed for staff to carry out their tasks in safety. It is also needs to be pointed out that it is more difficult for the staff to provide nursing care to someone in a double bed.
Consent
There is no quick and easy answer to this subject. The following is a brief overview of the issue of consent.
Close relationships are enjoyable to both parties and it is usually evident to others in body language and a multitude of other ways, so, while not always so, the distress of one party is often evident. Staff will generally intervene in any situation if they suspect it is not consensual or is causing distress to one of the parties. When the relationship becomes intimate it needs to occur in a private place.
If you as a resident are beginning a new intimate relationship it is vital to ensure that the other person involved is agreeable to this. If your partner is in a dementia care facility, recognises you as the partner, can indicate to you if they want to be intimate with you (or not), and is enjoying this intimacy then it is not likely to cause concern to health professionals or staff. Consent can be a tricky issue particularly where dementia is concerned.
As there are vulnerable people in residential care anyone considered to have knowingly taken advantage of another person will face the consequences of their actions just as they would in the wider community.
While this research article What counts as Consent? is lengthy and in depth it teases out the difficulties and complexity surrounding the issue of consent.
Sexual Health
Did you know STDs are actually increasing among older adults? This is partly because people forget there are things to be protected against apart from having a baby, and partly due to the fact that sex education was pretty inadequate back in the day. Older people are not immune to sexually transmitted infections. Usual precautions should be taken. To learn more about staying safe, have a read of this article.
Viagra has played a part by raising the profile of the sexuality of older people. If you have concerns about sexual performance or other issues pertaining to sexual health see your doctor.
Finally
A residential care facility is still your home. While health needs and shared living environments can create limitations, you should be able to continue your lifestyle as freely as possible, as long as it does not infringe on the rights of others. Choose a home that will respect this.
Updated: 28 Nov 2025